The bitter sweet taste of change

Okay, so as I get older, "change" is getting harder to adjust to. I have always thought of myself as a "go with the flow" kind of personality yet... I find I am actually very comfortable with routine and structure. Maybe being a mom of three children and wanting to have some sort of control and order about my life has defined that about me personally as well. I have actually quoted many times, "change isnt necessarily a bad thing" and yet I am not so sure about that today as I experience some major changes in my own life.

January 5th of this year was a day of change for me personally...for my family and for my life. After working for my husband for the last twelve years, I was laid off. This change in life was not exciting nor welcomed. It was a hard decision to make. I was sad and uncertain of what would happen next. After several weeks of personal vegitation and riding on an emotional roller coaster, I decided I had a choice..I could make the most of it or continue to wander aimlessly in my unhappiness about the change.

A job/career change is very scary for a nearly forty year old wife of twenty years, mother of three and Nana to two. After much thought, wringing of my hands, pacing throughout my house and in the midst of several "cleaning projects" I had begun ... I knew all I could do was pray and ask God for direction. With a list of priorities in hand, God directed my steps to applying for a bus driver position in the county where we live. Talk about change!! After a couple of weeks, a letter arrived inviting me to an interview... which triggered many more "personal insecurities" but once through the interview, past the week of class room training and the monumental event of passing my CDL test...training on the bus is the next step of this major life change for me.

I always told my children I understood their anxieties about change. Anxieties about a new school year, new teachers, meeting new friends, trying a new sport etc. but I was trying to be a good mom and reassure them I guess... because with this personal change, I literally can FEEL the anxiety they would describe to me. I so TOTALLY understand it now!! I am anxious of what this change will bring about for my life and I pray I will grow from it. It all is bitter sweet though. I miss the comforts of working for my husband, seeing him everyday, knowing that I never had to sacrifice my priorities which is my family and their well being for a job/career and realizing that being able to actively participate in their lives without the fear of loosing my job was far more valuable than I ever imagined.

I wont know about an "official" job until July so, until then I am trying to enjoy the bitter sweet taste of change because if anything is certain.... it's CHANGE!

Half full or half empty?

Revisiting my "at home wife and mom" title the last few weeks, I've noticed my mind gets flooded with such random thoughts. I go from room to room trying to be "productive" and not wasteful of this valuable time...ya know, in the event I am back in the work force soon. I'm sure I would feel guilty and regret the "projects" I didn't get done when I "had the time"..

My thoughts went from the needs of others I see all around me and wondering if anything I had could be of help to them... to being disappointed at all the "stuff" that we "store" in our home. Realizing some of it weren't NEEDS after all, just wants and now.. they sit in the "donation" box. Because of our "financial situation" I even sat and cried because I didn't make better decisions on how I spent the money at the time.

As I caught myself working in circles... now on MANY projects, I pondered what kind of day Taylor might be having at school.. if Tiffany & Bryson were able to be home today, out of the cold, resting. Does Bryson & Anna have any idea how much I love them? Then my mind was prayerful about creative opportunities Amy & Tiffany are looking into and I asked God to guide them ... what should I cook for dinner? ... hmmm I don't even hear the dryer buzzer when it goes off anymore ... I hope Bryan isn't working outside today.. is mom enjoying her visit with her friends?, what is KP, Bob and the girls doing tonight? ... I cant wait to hear about Marshall's jail house adventures, did Tim think of me when he ate his lunch today? ... lots of thoughts ...all so random.

I have much to be thankful for, yet...I'm sad today. Not really sure why. Maybe I am looking at my cup as half empty instead of half full today. Maybe I just needed to get still, quiet and put my thoughts down so I can ponder what God wants me to see in my randomness. I haven't decided if my cup is half empty or half full yet..so, back to my random thoughts!

Higher grounds

Life continues to be a sequence of unknown moments which can develop into events and/or opportunities where I am given a choice. My daily prayer is that I choose to listen closely to a "higher call" and use my moments in this life to do God's will.

An upcoming community outreach opportunity, hosted by our youth group, brought about a need for 100 empty boxes. Now, a big part of answering a call to serve the middle school and high school students at my church was, to always "prepare for the unexpected." So....knowing we needed 100 boxes I felt the "nudge" to get the ball rolling in the event they all waited until the last minute to get out and collect~ After making a couple of calls to some local businesses yesterday, I had (12) boxes collected! Pretty good results from "choosing" to pick up the phone and ask huh? From there, a friend suggested that I call the local schools and offer to take some boxes off of their hands. I made only ONE call! From that point...God flooded my path with more opportunities to listen and then choose!

My call to the school produced (2) more boxes but more importantly a very moving series of events! The school gave me the choice to come back today to unload several more boxes of paper which in turn, I could take the empty boxes for the charity event. My choice to say yes!...placed (14) more boxes in my possession and soooo much more! As I worked quietly in the supply closet, a "higher call" was presented.

I was told of a a single mother of (4) that is without heat and has a very minimal supply of food. She was in need of a miracle from "on high." As I stood with tears streaming down my face...my heart ached as I listened to the story and how this mother stayed awake all night last night, continually touching her children's bodies and faces to insure they weren't freezing to death. Praying silently, I wiped my eyes, finished my work on emptying the boxes and knew I had a choice to make. I could go about my path for the day that I thought was already planned or I could heed to a higher call of action. If not for my goal to collect some boxes then choosing to make a call to a local school..I may have never known about this precious family.

I stand amazed at how big God is. He knew the sequence of events and opportunities that would be presented to me these last couple days. He gave me a free will to choose and of course the Holy Spirit to speak to me, to nudge me and guide my choices. Not in order to pat myself on the back or praise any good deeds done...but to glorify HIM and be humbled by the chance to listen for and then choose if I would answer His "higher" call.

"choose this day whom you will serve" Joshua 24:15

Picture this!

Today started out slow but soon picked up when I got an email from a friend putting me in contact with someone who had a potential part time job offer! And guess what? It involves photography...a hobby I have a deep love for.... yet NO professional schooling! The job is photographing new born babies at a local hospital!

I called, chatted a bit about the basics of the job, explained I had no experience outside harrassing my friends and family from behind the lens. Her response, "not a problem, we train our photograhers. I am the "trainer" for the area, you would be working with me and I meet with my district managers tonight so I should be able to get back with you by next week"

Did God open this door? I mean... He had to right? It happened and I believe He is control of all things but lately I am flooded with doubt about most of my life and the paths before me. So how do I know for sure?

It is part time, only two or three days a week. A commission pay scale based on picture orders or a flat $7 hourly which ever happens to be "less". I wont become wealthy, there is no 401 K deal or incredible insurance to offer me.. but the positives are, I get to capture moments that are cherished for a lifetime, coo and goo at babies while standing amazed of how awesome my God is at creating life! Taking pictures is not a stressful job, the hours are flexible and it is more experience behind a camera.

I never "pictured this" opportunity...what to do?, what to do?....

It starts...

I tend to flood the in boxes of my friends and family with updates on charity work, awareness facts, life happenings, creative ideas and prayer requests that is just to name a few! My emails can get lengthy from time to time and are better described as BLOGS!

Writing/Blogging would be the on thing I do for myself. Not to mention it is very therapeutic...it cleanses the soul!With the excitement of starting a blog page, I began to ponder how my words, thoughts, ideas or just my ramblings could also convey my personality, my likes, hobbies and interest's. Immediately my love for coffee was a starting place. Coffee has a way of finding itself into many aspects of my life. It was my mother's creativity that named my blog and as you can see, coffee has found a place in it!

As I enjoy a cup of java while typing...handfuls of beans came to mind...hmmm, not only is that where a great cup of coffee begins but it will be where my blog begins! Today, my handful of beans, represent B-lessings, E-motions, A-wareness, N-ecessities, S-urrender.

Blessings that are without number. Blessings that I never want to take for granted. Blessings that others don't see with the naked eye because the Lord sprinkles them into my daily walk.

Emotions. I have already experienced a variety today. Fear, appreciation, worry, excitement, doubt, anticipation and joy. Each one had its place in my handful of beans today and will play a necessary role in developing whatever the Lord is brewing.

Awareness. Being still, quiet and aware of the Lord's daily presence. Sometimes the day is so full of "to do lists" and busy-ness that I am unaware of His presence and His will.

Necessities. NEEDS..who doesnt have them? Yet when I take the time to write them down. Look over them, study them and reevaluate them. My needs have been and continue to be met...and therefore multiply my Blessing Beans!

Surrender. Surrendering my will daily is needed in order for me to be aware of just how blessed I am! Surrendering is often just looked at as "giving up" and viewed as a bad thing. However, surrendering my will to the Lord's will is in no way a sign of defeat! It is merely saying, here I am Lord...me and my handful of beans, ready and willing for you to produce the armoa you want from my life.

Now that you have read about my handful of beans for the day. Ponder what your beans represent and how they can be used in God's hand. May it produce an opportunity for you to taste and see that He is good!