Some "after taste" of 2010

Had no idea it has been five months since my last blog. I "journal" often so my blog has been ignored. Not that my blog is anything people wait with baited breath to read but it truly is therapy for me. So I blog on.

As expected my journaling and now blog will cover the topic of another year gone by. Of course the "after taste" portion of my title is my continued attempt to keep my coffee theme blog going. My creative juices weren't flowing so that's all I could come up with. However, "after taste" is actually a deeper thought than I first pondered. There are many things about 2010 I can say I am eager to forget, yet there is a lingering after taste.

With the ringing in of 2010 I was once again looking forward to what was in store. It's exciting each New Year to think on what God has planned for you. Some people make plans/resolutions and hit the ground running so to speak to get those things accomplished. My New Year "goal" in 2010 was seriously "to find myself"...its corny I know but its an honest statement. I was 40 years old, my health wasn't great, I had changed careers after twelve years and I had thought several times throughout 2009 that I had a plan, a purpose and knew "what I wanted in life" but when 2010 rang in I realized I had NO CLUE and I wanted answers!

In life you anticipate some things and I felt confident I was in anticipation of what was to come in 2010...never knowing I was so unprepared. Here is an elementary example of what I am trying to get out; I'm craving a cup of Starbucks coffee, it starts by anticipating the great aroma of when the drive thru window opens, I can taste it before I am even there, I get in the car, I drive to Starbucks, I order, reach for my purse and... no money???

Some things caught me unprepared yet others were a repeat of the same ol stuff, just a new year of it. In my "search for me" this last year I have come to only a couple of absolutes; 1)I must accept that some people are just cruel. They are fake too, they cant be honest with themselves so they certainly wont be honest with me or others. It is painful enough to "feel" that you are disliked, no...that is way to mild, that you are despised just for existing but reliving it day after day, receiving phone calls confirming it, seeing it on the faces of some that you are merely an obligation or knowing you are "tolerated" by the obvious body language is very hard to digest. Even as a forty one year old woman, I questioned God and asked "why?", why allow me to exist if I am so unliked and a burden to many?...Never got an answer, so I eagerly say goodbye to the unbearable pain of those memories but of course the "after taste" is still there. 2)I must continue to learn that "who I am" is in Christ. I believe for me that "finding myself" is an ongoing, never ending process. With each day I am learning and experiencing something new or different. Life changes us with each day in some small way. I just haven't decided if I am changing for the better...I have tried to teach my kids, "with God first, life works" and yet I continue to struggle with genuinely putting Him FIRST. I look back and see where I have failed more times than succeeded as a wife, a mom, as a Christian etc. in the last year and of course that has an "after taste" as well. I know I belong to Jesus and I know He loves me flaws and all so my absolutes are that HE is never fake, who I am is in HIM and HE is in control. I selfishly wanted "more" out of 2010 on a personal note however, where I am at the beginning of 2011 is obviously where God wants me. I am sure I will need a refresher course of the lessons He has been trying to teach me thus far anyway.

I am thankful for the blessings in my life such as; my husband, my children, my daughters in love, my grand babies and my family. THEY are often the sweet aroma of life that makes me anticipate each day. I cherish the time I have with them and I pray that their "after taste" of 2010 doesn't have any bitterness. As the hours count down to 2011 I once again anticipate what God has in store and as simple as it sounds, I just want to be more prepared for it all.

Pouring my praise on HIM!

Long time, no blog....

Life has been happening and today I just wanted to share the many answered prayers and blessings God has poured on our family within the last year.

First, I have a job, one that I love and think was Heaven sent. I work with angels daily on a Special Needs school bus. I never saw this coming, but once again I can say, God knew best. I could no longer watch the heartbreak my husband faced daily at work. The struggle and stress took such a toil on him and we could no longer justify him cutting me a paycheck when things were so strained with the business. So I was officially laid off....the economy took a hard hit and the camping industry nearly folded! We are blessed to be able to keep the doors open at the camper lot as of today and I am doubly blessed to be able to work from home for Tim as needed and work for the county.

Bryson has done wonderfully as he battles on. MANY ups and downs for he, Bryan & Tiffany but I can honestly see where God's mighty hand has been in control. He has them wrapped up tightly in His love and is directing their lives as His will is lived out. Bryson now sports some leg braces from time to time in assisting him as he learns to walk. He was fitted for hearing aids which will not only help with the hearing loss but with his speech. And through it all...that sweet precious child that was also HEAVEN SENT laughs and plays and brings so much joy to our lives. God is good, even when we cant see the outcome or in all the uncertainties of this life, He is good to assure us He is a VERY present help in Bryson's life journey!

My children continue to do well in life....they have their health, roofs over their heads, clothes on their backs and shoes on their feet. They are fed and have transportation, jobs etc. their needs are being met and have many of their wants too! I pour my praise on Him daily for my family, for keeping a hedge of protection around each of them. I am moved to tears just typing about it.

Our family is on the GROW! After the saddness of a miscarriage several months ago, Marshall & Amy learned they are pregnant again. We never know the "why's" of life...but we learn to accept that God knows best. Baby Hall is expected to arrive in Feburary of 2011 and I pray that God touches Amy's body with the health to carry our grandbaby and of course deliver us a healthy new addition to our family!

Today I just pour my praise on Him and as the song says, "like oil from Mary's alabaster box"...praising Him is the very least I can do! I dont ever feel worthy of all the countless blessings in my life but I am eternally grateful that my sweet Jesus continues to pour His unconditional love on me!

The bitter sweet taste of change

Okay, so as I get older, "change" is getting harder to adjust to. I have always thought of myself as a "go with the flow" kind of personality yet... I find I am actually very comfortable with routine and structure. Maybe being a mom of three children and wanting to have some sort of control and order about my life has defined that about me personally as well. I have actually quoted many times, "change isnt necessarily a bad thing" and yet I am not so sure about that today as I experience some major changes in my own life.

January 5th of this year was a day of change for me personally...for my family and for my life. After working for my husband for the last twelve years, I was laid off. This change in life was not exciting nor welcomed. It was a hard decision to make. I was sad and uncertain of what would happen next. After several weeks of personal vegitation and riding on an emotional roller coaster, I decided I had a choice..I could make the most of it or continue to wander aimlessly in my unhappiness about the change.

A job/career change is very scary for a nearly forty year old wife of twenty years, mother of three and Nana to two. After much thought, wringing of my hands, pacing throughout my house and in the midst of several "cleaning projects" I had begun ... I knew all I could do was pray and ask God for direction. With a list of priorities in hand, God directed my steps to applying for a bus driver position in the county where we live. Talk about change!! After a couple of weeks, a letter arrived inviting me to an interview... which triggered many more "personal insecurities" but once through the interview, past the week of class room training and the monumental event of passing my CDL test...training on the bus is the next step of this major life change for me.

I always told my children I understood their anxieties about change. Anxieties about a new school year, new teachers, meeting new friends, trying a new sport etc. but I was trying to be a good mom and reassure them I guess... because with this personal change, I literally can FEEL the anxiety they would describe to me. I so TOTALLY understand it now!! I am anxious of what this change will bring about for my life and I pray I will grow from it. It all is bitter sweet though. I miss the comforts of working for my husband, seeing him everyday, knowing that I never had to sacrifice my priorities which is my family and their well being for a job/career and realizing that being able to actively participate in their lives without the fear of loosing my job was far more valuable than I ever imagined.

I wont know about an "official" job until July so, until then I am trying to enjoy the bitter sweet taste of change because if anything is certain.... it's CHANGE!

Half full or half empty?

Revisiting my "at home wife and mom" title the last few weeks, I've noticed my mind gets flooded with such random thoughts. I go from room to room trying to be "productive" and not wasteful of this valuable time...ya know, in the event I am back in the work force soon. I'm sure I would feel guilty and regret the "projects" I didn't get done when I "had the time"..

My thoughts went from the needs of others I see all around me and wondering if anything I had could be of help to them... to being disappointed at all the "stuff" that we "store" in our home. Realizing some of it weren't NEEDS after all, just wants and now.. they sit in the "donation" box. Because of our "financial situation" I even sat and cried because I didn't make better decisions on how I spent the money at the time.

As I caught myself working in circles... now on MANY projects, I pondered what kind of day Taylor might be having at school.. if Tiffany & Bryson were able to be home today, out of the cold, resting. Does Bryson & Anna have any idea how much I love them? Then my mind was prayerful about creative opportunities Amy & Tiffany are looking into and I asked God to guide them ... what should I cook for dinner? ... hmmm I don't even hear the dryer buzzer when it goes off anymore ... I hope Bryan isn't working outside today.. is mom enjoying her visit with her friends?, what is KP, Bob and the girls doing tonight? ... I cant wait to hear about Marshall's jail house adventures, did Tim think of me when he ate his lunch today? ... lots of thoughts ...all so random.

I have much to be thankful for, yet...I'm sad today. Not really sure why. Maybe I am looking at my cup as half empty instead of half full today. Maybe I just needed to get still, quiet and put my thoughts down so I can ponder what God wants me to see in my randomness. I haven't decided if my cup is half empty or half full yet..so, back to my random thoughts!

Higher grounds

Life continues to be a sequence of unknown moments which can develop into events and/or opportunities where I am given a choice. My daily prayer is that I choose to listen closely to a "higher call" and use my moments in this life to do God's will.

An upcoming community outreach opportunity, hosted by our youth group, brought about a need for 100 empty boxes. Now, a big part of answering a call to serve the middle school and high school students at my church was, to always "prepare for the unexpected." So....knowing we needed 100 boxes I felt the "nudge" to get the ball rolling in the event they all waited until the last minute to get out and collect~ After making a couple of calls to some local businesses yesterday, I had (12) boxes collected! Pretty good results from "choosing" to pick up the phone and ask huh? From there, a friend suggested that I call the local schools and offer to take some boxes off of their hands. I made only ONE call! From that point...God flooded my path with more opportunities to listen and then choose!

My call to the school produced (2) more boxes but more importantly a very moving series of events! The school gave me the choice to come back today to unload several more boxes of paper which in turn, I could take the empty boxes for the charity event. My choice to say yes!...placed (14) more boxes in my possession and soooo much more! As I worked quietly in the supply closet, a "higher call" was presented.

I was told of a a single mother of (4) that is without heat and has a very minimal supply of food. She was in need of a miracle from "on high." As I stood with tears streaming down my face...my heart ached as I listened to the story and how this mother stayed awake all night last night, continually touching her children's bodies and faces to insure they weren't freezing to death. Praying silently, I wiped my eyes, finished my work on emptying the boxes and knew I had a choice to make. I could go about my path for the day that I thought was already planned or I could heed to a higher call of action. If not for my goal to collect some boxes then choosing to make a call to a local school..I may have never known about this precious family.

I stand amazed at how big God is. He knew the sequence of events and opportunities that would be presented to me these last couple days. He gave me a free will to choose and of course the Holy Spirit to speak to me, to nudge me and guide my choices. Not in order to pat myself on the back or praise any good deeds done...but to glorify HIM and be humbled by the chance to listen for and then choose if I would answer His "higher" call.

"choose this day whom you will serve" Joshua 24:15

Picture this!

Today started out slow but soon picked up when I got an email from a friend putting me in contact with someone who had a potential part time job offer! And guess what? It involves photography...a hobby I have a deep love for.... yet NO professional schooling! The job is photographing new born babies at a local hospital!

I called, chatted a bit about the basics of the job, explained I had no experience outside harrassing my friends and family from behind the lens. Her response, "not a problem, we train our photograhers. I am the "trainer" for the area, you would be working with me and I meet with my district managers tonight so I should be able to get back with you by next week"

Did God open this door? I mean... He had to right? It happened and I believe He is control of all things but lately I am flooded with doubt about most of my life and the paths before me. So how do I know for sure?

It is part time, only two or three days a week. A commission pay scale based on picture orders or a flat $7 hourly which ever happens to be "less". I wont become wealthy, there is no 401 K deal or incredible insurance to offer me.. but the positives are, I get to capture moments that are cherished for a lifetime, coo and goo at babies while standing amazed of how awesome my God is at creating life! Taking pictures is not a stressful job, the hours are flexible and it is more experience behind a camera.

I never "pictured this" opportunity...what to do?, what to do?....

It starts...

I tend to flood the in boxes of my friends and family with updates on charity work, awareness facts, life happenings, creative ideas and prayer requests that is just to name a few! My emails can get lengthy from time to time and are better described as BLOGS!

Writing/Blogging would be the on thing I do for myself. Not to mention it is very therapeutic...it cleanses the soul!With the excitement of starting a blog page, I began to ponder how my words, thoughts, ideas or just my ramblings could also convey my personality, my likes, hobbies and interest's. Immediately my love for coffee was a starting place. Coffee has a way of finding itself into many aspects of my life. It was my mother's creativity that named my blog and as you can see, coffee has found a place in it!

As I enjoy a cup of java while typing...handfuls of beans came to mind...hmmm, not only is that where a great cup of coffee begins but it will be where my blog begins! Today, my handful of beans, represent B-lessings, E-motions, A-wareness, N-ecessities, S-urrender.

Blessings that are without number. Blessings that I never want to take for granted. Blessings that others don't see with the naked eye because the Lord sprinkles them into my daily walk.

Emotions. I have already experienced a variety today. Fear, appreciation, worry, excitement, doubt, anticipation and joy. Each one had its place in my handful of beans today and will play a necessary role in developing whatever the Lord is brewing.

Awareness. Being still, quiet and aware of the Lord's daily presence. Sometimes the day is so full of "to do lists" and busy-ness that I am unaware of His presence and His will.

Necessities. NEEDS..who doesnt have them? Yet when I take the time to write them down. Look over them, study them and reevaluate them. My needs have been and continue to be met...and therefore multiply my Blessing Beans!

Surrender. Surrendering my will daily is needed in order for me to be aware of just how blessed I am! Surrendering is often just looked at as "giving up" and viewed as a bad thing. However, surrendering my will to the Lord's will is in no way a sign of defeat! It is merely saying, here I am Lord...me and my handful of beans, ready and willing for you to produce the armoa you want from my life.

Now that you have read about my handful of beans for the day. Ponder what your beans represent and how they can be used in God's hand. May it produce an opportunity for you to taste and see that He is good!