Had no idea it has been five months since my last blog. I "journal" often so my blog has been ignored. Not that my blog is anything people wait with baited breath to read but it truly is therapy for me. So I blog on.
As expected my journaling and now blog will cover the topic of another year gone by. Of course the "after taste" portion of my title is my continued attempt to keep my coffee theme blog going. My creative juices weren't flowing so that's all I could come up with. However, "after taste" is actually a deeper thought than I first pondered. There are many things about 2010 I can say I am eager to forget, yet there is a lingering after taste.
With the ringing in of 2010 I was once again looking forward to what was in store. It's exciting each New Year to think on what God has planned for you. Some people make plans/resolutions and hit the ground running so to speak to get those things accomplished. My New Year "goal" in 2010 was seriously "to find myself"...its corny I know but its an honest statement. I was 40 years old, my health wasn't great, I had changed careers after twelve years and I had thought several times throughout 2009 that I had a plan, a purpose and knew "what I wanted in life" but when 2010 rang in I realized I had NO CLUE and I wanted answers!
In life you anticipate some things and I felt confident I was in anticipation of what was to come in 2010...never knowing I was so unprepared. Here is an elementary example of what I am trying to get out; I'm craving a cup of Starbucks coffee, it starts by anticipating the great aroma of when the drive thru window opens, I can taste it before I am even there, I get in the car, I drive to Starbucks, I order, reach for my purse and... no money???
Some things caught me unprepared yet others were a repeat of the same ol stuff, just a new year of it. In my "search for me" this last year I have come to only a couple of absolutes; 1)I must accept that some people are just cruel. They are fake too, they cant be honest with themselves so they certainly wont be honest with me or others. It is painful enough to "feel" that you are disliked, no...that is way to mild, that you are despised just for existing but reliving it day after day, receiving phone calls confirming it, seeing it on the faces of some that you are merely an obligation or knowing you are "tolerated" by the obvious body language is very hard to digest. Even as a forty one year old woman, I questioned God and asked "why?", why allow me to exist if I am so unliked and a burden to many?...Never got an answer, so I eagerly say goodbye to the unbearable pain of those memories but of course the "after taste" is still there. 2)I must continue to learn that "who I am" is in Christ. I believe for me that "finding myself" is an ongoing, never ending process. With each day I am learning and experiencing something new or different. Life changes us with each day in some small way. I just haven't decided if I am changing for the better...I have tried to teach my kids, "with God first, life works" and yet I continue to struggle with genuinely putting Him FIRST. I look back and see where I have failed more times than succeeded as a wife, a mom, as a Christian etc. in the last year and of course that has an "after taste" as well. I know I belong to Jesus and I know He loves me flaws and all so my absolutes are that HE is never fake, who I am is in HIM and HE is in control. I selfishly wanted "more" out of 2010 on a personal note however, where I am at the beginning of 2011 is obviously where God wants me. I am sure I will need a refresher course of the lessons He has been trying to teach me thus far anyway.
I am thankful for the blessings in my life such as; my husband, my children, my daughters in love, my grand babies and my family. THEY are often the sweet aroma of life that makes me anticipate each day. I cherish the time I have with them and I pray that their "after taste" of 2010 doesn't have any bitterness. As the hours count down to 2011 I once again anticipate what God has in store and as simple as it sounds, I just want to be more prepared for it all.
